Have you ever been in a situation where you watched a friend be destroyed by something and weren't able to do anything to help?
I almost wonder at times if I can even do anything. I've offered a shoulder to cry on. I've offered an ear to listen. I've tried to talk myself and explain what I see standing from the outside. I've watched them explain all the reasons and show me all the "proof" of someone who was destorying their life. I've introduced them to theraputic solutions - no matter how much they sat there stubbornly. Yet, they still continue to dwell in unhealthy relationships and let themselves be controlled, ridiculed, and emotionally abused by the very person that created all this mess.
I know plenty about abuse. I know how terrifying it can be. I know how deep the scars of emotional, mental, and verbal abuse can run. I grew up with it. I've never forgotten it. As a result of it, I ended up in a downward spiral myself. I had to come to realize some problems were just bigger than me. Some things in life were outside of my control and I needed help. Oddly enough, as I write this, I realize I can't force the help either. It took me actually realizing I had an issue and learning to stop to put myself in the right situation.
So, what do I do? Do I sit by idly and let my friend have their life destroyed and broken down? Do I leave them alone? Do I force "tough love" and turn the cold shoulder until they realize the error of their ways? If it was me, what would I want? Would I want someone to keep talking to me? Probably not. Would I want someone to turn the cold shoulder? Probably, but that's me....but honestly, it may just push me further back into what I was doing incorrectly. It's like not being able to be happy no matter what choice you make.
I know as a friend, I can't continue to turn a blind eye and pretend parties aren't getting hurt. It's going to happen. I can't pretend nothing is going on and just blindly support something I don't believe in. I can't threaten or give ultimatiums. Though I'd love to. I can't sit here and continue to listen to the drama day in and day out and wear myself thin while my friend is a complete flake. Sigh - what do I do?
Emotional abuse is hard. It's hard to recognize unless you've been through it - and yet even when you show someone "Hey, what's happening to you is abuse..." they don't believe it. You show them all the signs....all the symptoms...You explain "You are co-dependent." It seems to work and seems like it's getting through their head - until you hang up the phone or walk out the door - and then they are back to doing what they were previously doing...

It's turned bad for this friend too. Logging into the abusors facebook and checking their messages...logging into their e-mail and reading it....logging into their WORK e-mail and reading it...texting them....meeting them for coffee....
And then wondering why that person shows up on their doorstep? If I were the other party, I would too - mostly because I'd think there's still a chance. That things haven't been made clear to me. And they haven't.
I know when I vented to friends about my drama it eventually got to the point where my friends saw me coming and acted busy. They picked up the phone to pretend they were on calls. They ignored my phone calls. They turned off their lights in an effort to pretend they weren't home. And then, I guess somehow - I got the message. I was the one creating the issues and draining my friends dry. Friends that were there to support me and carry me.
It's not about not having friends. It's about knowing that sometimes you have to make really hard decisions in your life and realize that making those decisions sometimes means you have to close a very large door. Sometimes that door is just too heavy to do with one person.
As I write this, I received a message from a very good Christian friend of mine too. His words to me were "I'll pray for you to have patience..." I told him how hard of a time I was having supporting her and he said he'd keep us both on his prayer list.
You know - it's amazing how sometimes - God puts the right people in your life at the right time. He reassures me through the right people that I'm doing the right thing by supporting my friend and contiuing to listen - even if it drains me.
The right thing is for me to continue to pray for strength and to let God handle what I cannot.
Because - with Him...all things are possible....