To whom it may concern....

Dear Stomach,

Yesterday, I abused you. I ate poorly and stuffed you full of a big yummy sweet potato and an 8 ounce steak (5 ounces more than is portion control).

I apologize for the lack of space currently in my body to expand, however I disagree with your ability to subject me to such pain and torment.

The rest of my body is highly irritated at you. My colon feels like a clogged swimming pool, you gave me cramps beyond nothing I've felt in a few days and you made my head hurt from thinking about how much wrong I had done you. I disagree with your pleasure to let everything exit so quickly by forcing my body to experience such pain and discomfort as you relished in delight at the utmost inabliity to sleep. You kept me up all night and made me toss and turn. I am very upset with you.

I thought about starving you today, but then as quickly as my betraying brain delivered the message, you swiftly got angry, boiled acid, and made me feel gassy. I then felt the slight kicking in my stomach of you reminding me to eat as you bellowed loudly to my coworkers around me.

I am not pleased with you and I am here to tell you your housing arrangements are going to quickly shrink. That's right - you're downgrading in size. Too often you have been spoiled by sweet things and rights to go swimming in sweet carbonated beverages. Well, no more spa days for you. Your jacuzzi of caramel and bubbles (I call them Dr. Pepper) are over. From now on, you will delight in the ever so refreshing and COLD water I provide you as well as a balanced and healthy diet of normal proportions.

Oh, and should you decide to be rude and kick, be loud, or gassy - please be aware I have these little things called Gas-X standing by waiting to trample your armies....

The war is on...

Sincerely,

Kristin